Tell Me How You Really Feel, Aminah Mae Safi

Tell Me How You Really Feel by Aminah Mae Safi
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

This was the queer, brown Gilmore Girls remake of my dreams and I am LIVING FOR IT. This was the best kind of enemies-to-lovers story fueled by misunderstandings and insecurities rather than actual douchebaggery. Both Sana and Rachel were gorgeously fleshed out characters coming to terms with family expectations, dreams versus reality, financial pressure, and struggling to present the most honest version of yourself.

I was once again blessed to read the second story in the last month about a Jewish character whose Judaism is actually an integral part of her identity and her story. The Passover seder literally had me wanting to shout from the rooftops because this is how you include cultural tradition and identity into story!! I really had to put the book down and just soak in that scene because it felt so god damn good.

Honestly, I'm just kinda sitting here grinning stupidly to myself over how much I just adore this book. This was definitely one the highlights of my year and I will absolutely be coming back to this book again and again.

View all my reviews

Deposing Nathan, Zack Smedley

Deposing Nathan by Zack Smedley
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

This book was an incredibly tough read. Trigger warnings for internalized homophobia, homophobic violence, biphobia, infidelity, gaslighting, and child abuse. This book was emotionally brutal. Definitely take stock of your mental health before getting into it. This book was a gut punch, to be quite honest.

So much about Nathan's relationship to Catholicism hit so achingly close to home. There were moments at the beginning of the book that reminded me of the comfort I found in Catholicism as a teenager, but the majority of the book really reminded me why I cannot be Catholic any more. Why I can't be Christian at all anymore. I respect the hell out of the fact that Nathan and Cam both are able to find an equilibrium between their bisexual identities and their Catholic identities and are able to find some peace in their religion. But I cannot fucking do it. Nathan's absolute anguish over his "sin" and his fear of hell should never exist for anyone. Exploring your identity should not include an existential crisis over what hell is and how overwhelmingly awful it will be for all eternity. I simply can't square the practice of Catholicism as I experienced it and as other people like Nathan experience it with my view of human rights and human decency and this book kind of punched me in the face with that. I really was not expecting it and it made this a tough book to read for me, even as I appreciate what it was doing.

I also really really appreciated the ending. (view spoiler)[I am so happy that Cam was able to recognize that his relationship with Nathan was bad and that they couldn't keep it up without continuing to tear each other apart. I'm so glad that the abuse the two of them inflicted on each other was acknowledged and that the fact that they loved each other or could love each other wasn't a good enough reason to stay in touch or try to maintain any kind of relationship - platonic or romantic or anything else - once Nathan moved away. Quite often love is not enough. Admitting that and doing what's best for yourself is hard but so absolutely essential. I'm so happy Cam was able to do that and Nathan was able to recognize and accept it as well, even when he really didn't want to. (hide spoiler)]

View all my reviews

Red, White & Royal Blue, Casey McQuiston

Red, White & Royal Blue by Casey McQuiston
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

The hype is goddamn real y'all. This book was exactly the kind of hopeful catharsis we needed in the face of the last three years of unrelenting bullshit. In some ways this book hurt like a motherfucker because we don't live in a world where it actually feels possible right now for the bisexual son of the first female president to be a deciding reason for her reelection. Where sexual predators who are willing to hire hackers to undermine their political opponents don't become President of the United States. Where the whole world is willing to come together to support two queer young men in the public eye who want to help people as much as possible without stuffing their essential selves in a box. I enjoyed the romance, as well, but truly what made this book for me was all the ways it showed what we could have been in a marginally better alternate universe.

Don't get me wrong, the world is still pretty fucked up in this book. There are still assholes willing to see Alex's bisexuality as proof that his mother isn't a capable president. There are young people of color who have faced trauma in their past and have had to learn how to live with their powerlessness in the face of those who wronged them and the multitude of ways it's fucked them up. There's a British monarch who isn't willing to accept that the world has changed since she took the crown in 1947 and that her bigoted, antiquated views are actively hurting her country and the world. There's invasive journalism that doesn't respect the privacy of pretty much anybody. But still it's a world that elected a divorced woman in 2016 and reelected her despite her son's gay sex scandal in 2020. It's a world that hasn't had to face an increase in white supremacy and violence against people of color, Jews, Muslims, and queer people. It's a world that didn't let a private email server scandal determine the results of the election. And it's a world where two high profile queer boys are able to actually imagine their happily ever after.

So, yeah, I love this book. I love these boys. I love this relationship. I love all of their friendships and their relationships with their siblings and parents. I fucking love the flirting through fucking historical quotes because they're goddamn adorable nerds. I just. Really love this book. Get on the hype train y'all, it is so worth it.

View all my reviews

Darth Maul, Ron Marz

Star Wars: Darth Maul by Ron Marz
My rating: 2 of 5 stars

I'm gonna be honest, Darth Maul is right up there with Boba Fett on the list of silent killing machine characters that I just don't care about at all. The obsession with these murderous super characters is just so tiresome and I'm never gonna be super hyped about a comic that's focused on them. I will say, that I did appreciate the way this story was told. There was very little dialogue, so the story was mostly conveyed through really expressive artwork. This fit well with how Maul was portrayed in The Phantom Menace and visually was a good work. Just not a story I actually care about.

View all my reviews

If I Was Your Girl, Meredith Russo

If I Was Your Girl by Meredith Russo
My rating: 0 of 5 stars

I'm struggling to come up with a rating for this book. Given the hype, I think I expected more emotional depth from the relationships in the book. But they all felt very surface level to me. Amanda as an individual was great, but her friendships and romantic relationship felt too shallow. Amanda and Grant's relationship felt like a plot point more than a genuine exchange of feelings. It developed so quickly and I just didn't find myself caring about their relationship at all. And honestly, I'm really angry about the climax of this book. It felt so unnecessary to (view spoiler)[publicly out Amanda like that and then have her be sexually assaulted?? Why did that have to be the narrative climax of the book? Why couldn't it have been something less traumatizing and public and fucked up? (hide spoiler)]

So I feel like this was a story that needs to be told - a trans girl starting over at a new school and wondering if not telling people she's trans is in some way lying or if she's simply living her truth and the details don't matter. But I'm not sure how I feel about the way this particular story was told.

I will say I loved the author's note at the end, explaining why she choose to portray Amanda's transness the way she did and that Amanda's experience is by no means universal. I definitely understand why Russo choose to use the easiest to swallow narrative as a foray into telling trans stories and I respect her reasoning and her decision.

I guess I think I'm at the point in exploring my own gender where I don't want to read stories where the character has always been sure; I want to see more stories where the character is confused as hell and trying to figure out the difference between identity and expression and how important that difference is to them and how their sexuality does or doesn't affect the way they think about their gender. So my mixed feelings might be more about the mental place I'm in rather than the book itself.

View all my reviews

Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda, Becky Albertalli

Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda by Becky Albertalli
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Not gonna lie I was grinning stupidly to myself for the last like hour of this audiobook. It was just really cute and sweet. I really like Simon and his relationship with his friends and his family and, of course, with Blue. Despite the forced coming out, the book still felt really light and I enjoyed that a lot.

View all my reviews

Not Your Villain, C.B. Lee

Not Your Villain by C.B. Lee
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

I spent the first few chapters of this book being hella confused before I was able to square away the timelines of this book and its predecessor. It was honestly really disappointing to realize that the full first third of this book was just retelling the events of Not Your Sidekick. I definitely didn't feel like Bells's viewpoint added enough extra to our understanding of what happened in Sidekick to justify putting so much time into retelling it. That entire first third could have been cut and more time could have been put into Bells's family's illegal farming and the methods of resistance that his family has been practicing for decades already and how that informs the way Bells and his friends form their new resistance efforts. I feel like Lee really dropped the ball there and it made the entire reading experience kind of underwhelming.

I still love the characters of this series and I'll definitely continue it (esp since the next book is from Emma's POV and we're gonna get a lot of questioning aroace content which I am SO HERE FOR) but this installment just didn't do a ton for me. Which was unfortunate.

View all my reviews

You Asked for Perfect, Laura Silverman

You Asked for Perfect by Laura Silverman
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

I loved this book so very very much. Queer Jewish boy dealing with the bullshit academic pressure put on high school students is totally my jam. Even better, Ariel is a religious Jew who obviously finds great comfort in Judaism and the Jewish community. Do you know how rare that is in media of any kind?? In a lot of ways this was a love letter to Judaism and it was so beautiful. I especially liked that Ariel's queerness wasn't an issue at all. His family and community accepted it as part of him. I feel like every time I see religious queers in YA it has to be a struggle so seeing Ariel just be bisexual with no negative commentary whatsoever was great. Plus his love interest was a queer Muslim boy whose sexuality was, again, just not an issue. All in all, a lot of real good shit.

View all my reviews

The Afterward, E. K. Johnston

It has been a year since the mysterious godsgem cured Cadrium’s king and ushered in what promised to be a new golden age. The heroes who brought the gem home are renowned in story and song, but for two fellows on the quest, peace and prosperity do not come easily. 

Apprentice Knight Kalanthe Ironheart wasn't meant for heroism this early in life, and while she has no intention of giving up the notoriety she has earned, her reputation does not pay her bills. With time running out, Kalanthe may be forced to betray not her kingdom or her friends, but her own heart as she seeks a stable future for herself and those she loves.

Olsa Rhetsdaughter was never meant for heroism at all. Beggar, pick pocket, thief, she lived hand to mouth on the city streets until fortune--or fate--pulled her into Kalanthe's orbit. And now she's quite reluctant to leave it. Even more alarmingly, her fame has made her recognizable, which makes her profession difficult, and a choice between poverty and the noose isn't much of a choice at all.

Both girls think their paths are laid out, but the godsgem isn't quite done with them and that new golden age isn’t a sure thing yet. 

In a tale both sweepingly epic and intensely personal, Kalanthe and Olsa fight to maintain their newfound independence and to find their way back to each other.

I adore trope inversions and books that look at a genre and say "okay but what's the other half of this equation?" They are so much fun, so thoughtful, and so totally and completely up my alley. So a book whose premise is "the Quest is done, now what?" is definitely gonna be a fave with me.

The majority of the book takes place After (i.e. after the Quest is done), with some chapters set Before (i.e. during the Quest itself). It's told from the point of view of the two youngest members of the Quest: Olsa, a street thief who was spying on someone for the Quest leader when shit went sideways and she got brought along partially for her own protection and partially because it helps to have a thief along when looking for a potentially well-protected gem of incredible power; and Kalanthe, an apprentice knight with a sterling records and similar enough body size to act as a decoy for the Quest leader if necessary. 

I loved that this story was told from their perspective. As the youngest and least experienced members of the party, their reintroduction to normal life following a world-saving quest is the most difficult to manage. The other members of the party have been on quests of some kind before or have more experience with combat or magic than Olsa and Kalanthe. They can continue with their lives or, in the case of one member, retireearly to handle her wounds. Our main characters, on the other hand, are just reaching adulthood and are left to figure out how their newfound fame is going to affect the lives they thought was ahead of them as well as how to fit the new relationship they want into situations that don't seem to leave room for new additions.

My biggest complaint of the book, and the reason I gave it four stars instead of five, is how neatly everything got tied off at the end. The appeal of a book like this is that it's going to address all the complexities and difficulties that come from the aftermath of a quest. So seeing all those complexities be tied up with a dues ex machina bow was disappointing. I really wanted to see Kalanthe actually get married to Edramore. As an aroace person, I just really love the idea of a marriage of convenience for financial/legal/political reasons where both parties are truly happy in the marriage but never love each other romantically. Furthermore, they totally could have some kind of poly relationship with Olsa, and given the right approach, I think Edramore and Olsa could have been happy as metamours, even if that meant Olsa did go to work for one of the other knights from the Quest. That could have been an AMAZING story. Instead they conveniently kill Edramore, have Kalanthe basically marry him posthumously, and therefore leave her open to marry/have a relationship with Olsa with no entanglements. And it just felt too neat and easy. I wanted to to see some complicated poly negotiations actually play out. Even if the book didn't delve quite as deep as I wanted it to, it was still a solid book that raised a lot of interesting questions about what happily ever after actually looks like in a high fantasy setting.

I Wish You All the Best, Mason Deaver

When Ben De Backer comes out to their parents as nonbinary, they're thrown out of their house and forced to move in with their estranged older sister, Hannah, and her husband, Thomas, whom Ben has never even met. Struggling with an anxiety disorder compounded by their parents' rejection, they come out only to Hannah, Thomas, and their therapist and try to keep a low profile in a new school.

But Ben's attempts to survive the last half of senior year unnoticed are thwarted when Nathan Allan, a funny and charismatic student, decides to take Ben under his wing. As Ben and Nathan's friendship grows, their feelings for each other begin to change, and what started as a disastrous turn of events looks like it might just be a chance to start a happier new life.

At turns heartbreaking and joyous, I Wish You All the Best is both a celebration of life, friendship, and love, and a shining example of hope in the face of adversity.

This book was so good. I found myself crying alongside Ben, rooting for them to find a safe place to land and good people to support them as they figured out how to handle being kicked out by their parents following their coming out. I found myself cheering as they grew more comfortable at their sister's house and at school, making friends and losing themselves in their artwork. This was a hard book in so many ways, because Ben's journey was definitely not easy, but it was satisfying as well, to see them move beyond their parents' bullshit and figure out their own place in the world. Everyone should go and pick this book up immediately.

The Prince and the Dressmaker, Jen Wang

Paris, at the dawn of the modern age:

Prince Sebastian is looking for a bride―or rather, his parents are looking for one for him. Sebastian is too busy hiding his secret life from everyone. At night he puts on daring dresses and takes Paris by storm as the fabulous Lady Crystallia―the hottest fashion icon in the world capital of fashion!

Sebastian’s secret weapon (and best friend) is the brilliant dressmaker Frances―one of only two people who know the truth: sometimes this boy wears dresses. But Frances dreams of greatness, and being someone’s secret weapon means being a secret. Forever. How long can Frances defer her dreams to protect a friend? Jen Wang weaves an exuberantly romantic tale of identity, young love, art, and family. A fairy tale for any age, The Prince and the Dressmaker will steal your heart.

I loved this! The art was gorgeous, the clothing as amazing, the characters were magnificent and the story was so so sweet. Wang portrayed emotion so well, which definitely heightened the reading experience. I honestly can't recommend this graphic novel enough.

Dryland, Sara Jaffe

It’s 1992, and the world is caught up in the HIV/AIDS epidemic and the Balkan Wars, but for fifteen-year-old Julie Winter, the news is noise. In Portland, Oregon, Julie moves through her days in a series of negatives: the skaters she doesn’t think are cute, the trinkets she doesn’t buy at the craft fair, the umbrella she refuses to carry despite the incessant rain. Her family life is routine and restrained, and no one talks about Julie’s older brother, a one-time Olympic-hopeful swimmer who now lives in self-imposed exile in Berlin. Julie has never considered swimming herself, until Alexis, the girls’ swim team captain, tries to recruit her. It’s a dare, and a flirtation—and a chance for Julie to find her brother, or to finally let him go. Anything could happen when her body hits water.

I almost don't know what to do with this book. One of the blurbs on the cover described it as "part diary, part dream" which definitely feels right but I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not. The lack of punctuation for dialogue really threw me off and left me confused half the time. I both loved and hated how open-ended the book was. I wanted some better understanding of what was going on with Julie's brother, but I liked how open Julie's own future and story seemed, not tied up in a neat happy ending. This book has been sitting in the back of my head for almost a week and I'm still not sure how to sum it up or what all to say. Definitely a unique reading experience for me, though.

Daughter of the Burning City, Amanda Foody

Sixteen-year-old Sorina has spent most of her life within the smoldering borders of the Gomorrah Festival. Yet even among the many unusual members of the traveling circus-city, Sorina stands apart as the only illusion-worker born in hundreds of years. This rare talent allows her to create illusions that others can see, feel and touch, with personalities all their own. Her creations are her family, and together they make up the cast of the Festival’s Freak Show.

But no matter how lifelike they may seem, her illusions are still just that—illusions, and not truly real. Or so she always believed…until one of them is murdered.

Desperate to protect her family, Sorina must track down the culprit and determine how they killed a person who doesn’t actually exist. Her search for answers leads her to the self-proclaimed gossip-worker Luca, and their investigation sends them through a haze of political turmoil and forbidden romance, and into the most sinister corners of the Festival. But as the killer continues murdering Sorina’s illusions one by one, she must unravel the horrifying truth before all of her loved ones disappear.

I find myself with somewhat mixed feelings about this book.

On the one hand, I loved the magic system in this book. It was super interesting and I loved seeing Sorina learn more about what she was capable of as the mystery unraveled. I thought Sorina was an interesting protagonist and I liked her story.

On the other, the side characters weren't super well-developed and it gave the mystery less urgency because the family that she's created has no real depth so it was hard to care all that much when they died. I just wanted to see more of her family as individuals separate from her.

My biggest issue with the book is related to the asexuality rep (which is why I heard about this book in the first place). The love interest, Luca, is demisexual and I was totally cool with the way he was represented until we found out he was another of her illusions and it was implied that his demisexuality was somehow part of the "freakishness" that all of her illusions manifest. Unlike the other illusions, he doesn't have any obvious physical abnormalities. He doesn't have nails in the place of hair, or two heads, or a body structure so rubbery he can flatten himself like an egg. Arguably his magic is his "freakishness" because he can't die. But because Sorina created him to be a romantic partner for her, there was the implication that his demisexuality was his abnormality instead because it would be a cruel twist of fate if the person she created to be a romantic partner wasn't actually interested. And that just didn't sit well with me at all. It just felt like asexuality was being presented as this weird unnatural thing that was supposed to be a punishment of price of some kind and that's just not what asexuality is.

Overall, a reasonably entertaining book, but had some issues that prevented me from really enjoying it.

With the Fire On High, Elizabeth Acevedo

From the New York Times bestselling author of the National Book Award longlist title The Poet X comes a dazzling novel in prose about a girl with talent, pride, and a drive to feed the soul that keeps her fire burning bright.

Ever since she got pregnant freshman year, Emoni Santiago’s life has been about making the tough decisions—doing what has to be done for her daughter and her abuela. The one place she can let all that go is in the kitchen, where she adds a little something magical to everything she cooks, turning her food into straight-up goodness.

Even though she dreams of working as a chef after she graduates, Emoni knows that it’s not worth her time to pursue the impossible. Yet despite the rules she thinks she has to play by, once Emoni starts cooking, her only choice is to let her talent break free.

I'm not sure I even have words for how much I loved this book. Emoni is such an amazing character. I was completely caught up in her story, rooting for her to find a way to both support her daughter and follow her dreams to be a chef. All of her relationships - with her daughter, her grandmother, her father, her best friend, her culinary arts teacher, her ex, her love interest - were so well crafted and sincere. Despite the fact that all of her relationships were amazingly written, I loved that the focus of the book remained solely on Emoni and her plans for herself and her daughter. 

I especially appreciated that the romance didn't take over the story to the detriment of everything else going on in Emoni's life. He may have been an important part of her realizing that she's capable of planning for her own future as well as her daughter's, but so was her family and her best friend; Acevedo never tried to make the romantic relationship supersede any of the other relationships and it felt so right. Romantic relationships so often take over everything else and it's always amazing to see them coexist at the same level as other types of relationships.

Also the food in this book!! I am so hungry right now and just want to eat all of it. You can bet I'm gonna try out those recipes included at the beginning of each part because they all sound so good. The way people talked about Emoni's food felt so fabulist and I just adored it. It fit so well with her Puerto Rican heritage and the way she tried to build on her roots to create something new and unexpected. Everything about Emoni's cooking was just magical and amazing.